You see my mom bought this Gardenia plant, thinking that they would be a wonderful addition to her already massive collection of plants. However the plant needs acidic pH soil and it needs warm, humid weather, none of which South-western Ontario has to offer. It was dying at first until we started adding diluted vinegar water to it. Now it has lush green leaves and even a handful of floral buds. The buds however never seem to bloom, they just kind of fall off after a few days. Each bud promises an exquisite bloom yet it never quite gets there. Right now, I kind of feel like a Gardenia plant in South-western Ontario - full bright possibilities that never seem to bloom.
I think just about anyone can think back to a time when they really weren’t at their best, you know, when you just know you could have done better but you didn’t.
I feel that when we realize that for the first time, we feel so disappointed in ourselves, I think we feel what truly means to be “ugly”.You see this side of you, and you just can’t un-see it, you just have to get rid of it, or get it under control.
But its okay because when you think back to that time, its what humbles you now, you know you can easily slip into that.
But the funny part is that, while we go from point A to be B, this “renovation”, you have these people that stick around, who see your flaws but aren’t deterred by it. Its with these people that we form our strongest bonds with, because they love you at a time when you yourself (knowing what you know now) wouldn’t have stuck around for you, but those people did. They hung on to your positive qualities, even helped to remind you of them when you forgot how great you could be.
But if those people had just walked away, if you thought that they just didn’t believe in you, imagine how you would look at those people now. Would you consider them real friends?
Aaaaaaand thats my shpiel, everybody needs a friend :D And I am sooo blessed to have had friends who stuck by me through my tough times, cus now I don’t just have friends, I have a family in them :)
I think I’m truly blessed to have some amazing friends in my life. And they’re not just amazing because they make hilarious jokes or take me on crazy adventures or have interesting conversations, I mean they do do all that and more but thats not why they’re such wonderful friends. When I’m around these people I’m reminded who I am, who I want to be and why I’m even here. Its company of these friends who make this long and difficult journey enjoyable and might I say-wonderful!
You know what I realized, so many of the ideals and principles I use to hold on to, I just don’t practice anymore. Now I don’t mean I’ve become a totally bad person, its just I’m one of those really idealistic people that like to put their ideals into every and all the itty bitty crevices of life, which I know some people might thing is just excessive or over the top or unnecessary but thats just how I am…or haven’t been in a while.
Its just now a days I feel like I’m tired, I don’t want to go the extra mile, I just do what is acceptable as opposed to exceptional. Like I’m just too tired, like I can’t deal with all the mess with being all over the top idealistic person. Yet its who I am and who I’ve been for as long as I can remember, yet I just don’t want to be because of all the trouble.I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. But basically I just don’t feel like myself.
In the last year or well 2 years, I’ve just gone through so much stress and changes, that I guess having to adapt to every situation has removed me from my natural state of mind. Maybe thats why I’m not as invested in my ideals as I used to be, because it would mean change, or ensuing change and I think I just need everything to be still for a while. Actually I would just love for everything to go back to the way it used to be LOL, but thats not realistic solution to hope for at all.
But anywho, I think I need to spend some time re-organizing my thoughts. I’ve spent so much time getting everything else in my life together (which is a good thing), I’ve kinda overlooked my internal thoughts. I feel like I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to just think. But thank goodness its Ramadan, there have been plenty of opportunities to think and reflect and iA by the end of this month, I’ll be all recharged!!!
You know how there’s some people that you can subtly hint things to… and they’ll get it…yea…I’m not one of those people. Most of the times, things will smack me in the face and still won’t notice it….
GOOD GOD HOW HAVE I MANAGED TO STAY ALIVE FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS!!
When a child is born, it has such tightly clenched fists. You can barely pull their hands open, but slowly as they go from new borns to toddlers, they learn to unclench their fists and use each and individual finger.
We need to stop being so stubborn in our traditional ways and learn to learn to unclench our fists and do what needs to be done
Eid Mubarak to all my brothers and sisters, in Deen and in humanity
Hey you! Yes you! I need you to breathe. I need you to relax. I need you to know that your in good hands. Sturdy hands. I need you to have faith. I need you to be okay. You see the journey’s not over…and your all thats keeping this boat afloat.
When I was little, my mom taught at a small village in Bangladesh as a chemistry teacher. We lived in this small village most of the year, except of course during holidays, during those we would go back to our grandparents/family homes. This small village, is where the memories of most of my childhood have been. The farthest memory I can think of, in terms of time, is of this place. Its weird, its like one day I just was, and I was there in this little village next to a river, with my mom and my brother. I remember going to school there, I remember playing in this expansive yard, with the big guava tree in the middle, I remember my first day of school. I do remember that that little village once encompassed all that I knew. But I think when I turned 5, we moved, I think it was because of a flood that year. We never went back to the village. Instead we ended up moving to the US a year or so later. Strange, no place has yet to make me feel the way that place did. It was quiet and cool. It reeked of boredom, but I dont think that ever bothered me, I had my imagination and my brother to accompany me. I was a strange child, I could sit and watch the guava tree for god knows how long, or softly hold onto drangonfly wings as I placed them in a paper bag. Don’t worry, I’d let them out later. I know every time we think of memories, we kind of rethink them, interpret new feelings from them, but I feel that whatever I used to feel then, I seldom feel now. I was a quiet child, I liked to watch and observe. It was like a silent film. It didn’t need words, it had warm winds and cool shades to speak for it. I’ve been back to Bangladesh 3 times so far since we moved from there, but not once have I been able to go back there. We never went because we had lots of family to visit, which was important. But now, I think it is important to visit that place, to visit those memories, perhaps I’ll be able to come across that little girl I used to be.
I’m looking at the current edition of time magazine and the cover is an image of angry mob of what I’m guessing to be are middle eastern men. The whole page is in a red tint, except in the bottom right corner where one of the angry mob members is holding a book open in the air. The book is in a greyish-blue tint, with what looks to be arabic writing. Based on the design of the border of the pages and the style of the text, it looks its a Quran…Um I’m not sure what the magazine is getting at…Whats up with that..
Why is it that sometimes, some people have this weird ability…to like…run you over…with a bus…but instead its not a bus, its a few mere syllables, that just dig into you, in fact a bus would have probably hurt less. And then you’re just standing there unconscious, not sure what just happened, but you know you’re not okay, and that any minute the pain is gonna kick in, and you’re gonna be crying for some morphine and you’re gonna feel more pain then you ever have.
Or maybe its not that painful, maybe its just a different kind of pain, you just haven’t felt it yet, and it was time you did.
I don’t know.
But I never thought that a stranger, a person who had little affect on my life, could ever with such slight, plainly said words could inflict so much pain. And the worst is, they don’t know that its like that to you.
To even acknowledge that pain, was embarrassing, because it didn’t look painful to anyone except to you.
One day…I’ll find the beauty in this too. Inshallah.
Sometimes, the world needs some crazy people, you know just so the few crazy people out there don’t get lonely
the book of memory
I did not know I was striking
out half my life."
Nizar Qabbani, Foolishness
Do you think that it is possible for the mind to have these big potholes or manholes, the kind that cars get stuck in, except they’re in you head, in your stream of thoughts?
I do. I think I got stuck in one the other day.
I’m not really sure how it works or if they exist, but one thing I know for sure is, that they’re really hard to get out of!